I really fucked up tonight. After more than 3 months of sleep training, 3 months of not giving in when T cried, 3 months of being really strong I went to T after an hour and a half of tears. And less than two minutes after I picked him up I realized it was a huge mistake.
Let’s back up a bit. It has been a hard couple of days. My father left town on Sunday and I never do well after my family visits. I miss them terribly. This week I was pretty proud of myself because I’ve been keeping up with the house work and although I haven’t been leaving the house much I also haven’t been wallowing.
But I’ve had to take my chill pills more than I like. And I’ve been crying a lot. It was in the 70s today, so perfect outside. It’ll be back to the 50s tomorrow. But I just couldn’t get it together to take T out for a walk even though I really wanted to. And Z had a faculty meeting tonight so I was flying solo for T’s crying.
So I was a mess as I was listening to him cry tonight. And I was listening to him cry not because I had the volume of the monitor up, but because I could hear him in our living room even though I had the TV on loud. I was worried he was too hot. I was worried there was actually something wrong with him. I was worried because he hasn’t cried for an hour and a half in more than a month. And Z wasn’t here to talk me off the ledge.
I went to T and he stopped crying the second I picked him up. It felt so good to hold him; it felt like he was soothing me. I sat on the rocking chair and cradled him and had high hopes he would go right to sleep.
Instead he became wide awake. He looked at me and grinned and stared at his hand slowly waving in front of his face. He was so intense about the hand thing; it was like he was stoned. If I hadn’t been so worked up I would have laughed out loud. After about 15 minutes of sitting there together, T becoming wider and wider awake and me becoming more and more panicy I heard Z come home.
I felt like Cameron in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off when he kicks the shit out of his dad’s car and says “I can’t hide this” I was trapped and Z totally caught me. He was not amused.
I cannot wait to see what the fallout from my huge lapse of parenting judgment is.