Back in June when I was 7 months pregnant I posted a note to facebook outlining my concerns about what parenthood would do to my marriage. Although I recently had delusions of grandeur involving people I don’t know reading this stuff, I was quickly brought back to reality through a FB status update. Oh well, at least I don’t have any trouble laughing at myself. So to my dear friends who are reading this I’m pretty sure we are friends on FB and if you wouldn’t mind giving that a gander it’ll give this post some context.
Here we are almost 11 months after I wrote that note and 9 months since T was born. And I miss my husband.
Some of the concerns I wrote about came true. I don’t depend on Z’s calming touch to get through difficult situations now. My hands are full with T. Other concerns seem ridiculous. Like waking up after a year and not knowing Z anymore. I know him better than I know anyone else and I don’t think that will change. But I miss him so much.
It’s funny how things hardly ever turn out the way that you think they will. When I was writing that note and trying to imagine what parenthood would be like I don’t think it occurred to me that I would end up missing Zeke. We live together, how can I miss someone I see every day? But during our brief moments alone that is what we say most often to each other.
It hurts to miss him so much, but I realized today I’m not overly worried about it.
I have a crippling fear of change that Z thankfully does not share. I often wonder where or what I’m going to be doing a year from any given moment, but I don’t get pleasure from the daydream rather I’m filled with a sense of dread. Part of the reason I didn’t want to become a parent is the whole gig is one change after another. Damn kids don’t stay the same for two seconds.
But I’ve suddenly realized a great part of all the change in terms of parenthood is the possibility exists for things to get better rather than worse. In 9 short months so much has improved. The days last fall when T was new and I felt like all I did was nurse and rock him feel like a very distant bad dream.
A huge contributor to my momentary and unusual lack of fear concerning change is my current state of mind. I’ve been really burnt out and at the end of my rope lately, but we had family here this past weekend and I was able to get some serious alone time while others watched the boy. And I will tell you what, I feel like a new person. If I had finished writing this when I stared it a few weeks ago I think the tone would have been much more desperate.
But in this moment I feel like Z and I know a relationship takes an enormous amount of work. And we have never shied away from doing that work. Look at me being all hopeful. Wonder how long it will last?