At first I was crying too hard to tell him anything, but eventually I got to the sniffles stage and swallowed my embarrassment. Today we figured out that T understands “Dada.” If you say to him “Thomas, where is Dada?” He searches the room until he finds Z. We also found out that he doesn’t understand “Mama.” “Thomas, where is Mama?” results in a blank stare. Don’t get me wrong, I am truly happy T understands “Dada.”, but as I told Z I am crushed he doesn’t understand “Mama.”
So yes, I am wallowing in self pity. I’m not proud of it.
At first I was able to make it into a joke. I told T until he learned I was Mama I was cutting him off-no more boob. But as the afternoon progressed and I kept making Z ask T where I was to see if he’d figure it out I started to feel worse and worse. Eventually Z told me to cool it. T would figure it out when he is ready. I know Z is right.
And I know I’m being a ridiculous drama queen. But as I explained to Z it makes me feel like T doesn’t love me enough. Or he thinks that I don’t love him enough or do enough for him. I’m a stay at home mom for fuck’s sake! I’m his go to person. He is almost 11 months old and I am still breastfeeding 4 to 5 times a day. I’m committed fully to this kid. I’d like him to figure out my fucking name thank you very much.
And there you have it. Motherhood doesn’t magically make you a less selfish person. My first impulse is always to be selfish and my fragile feelings are hurt so easily. If I’m going to continue to be selfish I guess I’ll just also have to be self aware. If I realize I’m being unreasonable at least I’ll be able to adjust my behavior and protect T from my toxic insecurity. With the never ending hope that if I’m self aware enough someday I’ll be able to stop being an over sensitive self absorbed child. Now that would be a pleasant change for Z.
T and his cousin Gabe wearing their matchy matchy PJs.