Last week I dragged my sister to the mall to get her some new clothes. She may be the worst shopper in the history of the universe. I’ve mentioned before that she is slender. And I mean super slender, like size 0-2 slender. Though only a fraction of the population has a body like hers, her figure is exactly what clothing manufacturers design for. She should be the best shopper in the world. But she won’t buy anything unless it is just like something she already owns. Yet she constantly complains about how much she hates her wardrobe. Therefore, I have very little sympathy for her. On this shopping trip I used the tough love approach. I picked out everything she tried on and I told her what she was going to buy. It was rather refreshing to be the in charge person, and I have a pretty good eye for fashion, if I do say so myself. I don’t really use that eye on myself, my wardrobe is pretty much the same as it was in high school. But it was fun for me to have a victim to dress.
I found some really great stuff for my sister. We were shopping for things that would get her through her pregnancy, she is already showing. When you are super skinny you start showing faster because there isn’t anywhere for that growing uterus to go except out. Most of the stuff came from regular stores; we only hit one maternity location. Looking through that store was the only part of the excursion that was difficult for me. I found a maternity dress that I really loved and it made me think about how far along I should be. If I hadn’t lost the baby I’d know what sex it was by now. I’d almost be half way through the pregnancy and I’d probably be past the morning sickness. I’d certainly be showing. My heart absolutely ached with the loss.
But it actually felt pretty good to feel so bad. It made me realize that in the last almost two weeks since I got the all clear from the doctor’s I have let go of so much of my bitterness. I feel genuinely happy for my sister. I’ve been able to show an interest in other people’s pregnancies. A couple of former colleagues from Whole Foods have become parents in the last few weeks and I have felt real joy for them that wasn’t tarnished by my jealousy. A few weeks ago I believed the only way the ugly feelings that were eating me alive would disappear was to get pregnant again. But it turns out that wasn’t the case, I just needed to be physically done with the whole business. Crazy as it sounds, I was the one that initiated the shopping trip, I knew exactly what I was doing and it didn’t bother me in the least.
In fact the harder part of the trip was dealing with my jealousy over her size. When we started the trip I wasn’t thinking that much about my physicality, but even though I wasn’t trying on stuff myself after a few minutes in the dressing room with her I felt more and more awkward. I had to stop looking in the mirror because I was ballooning to morbidly obese proportions every time I caught sight of myself. I told her a little about how I was feeling, and in the next breath I suggested we head to Chick-fil-a for lunch. It’s so easy to complain about how I look, but doing something constructive about it? No way. I think part of the reason I talk about how gross I am physically so much is because I don’t want people to think I’m stupid. I don’t want them to look at me and feel sorry for how I look and think I’m not in on the secret. I’m in on it. I get that I’m heavy. I get that I’m not pretty. And I want you to know that I know so you don’t feel so sorry for me.
Hmm, that tangent about my size was not part of the original plan for this post. Sometimes the writing gets away from me a little. Bringing it back around to the positive…I TOOK MY PREGNANT SISTER MATERNITY CLOTHS SHOPPING! ON PURPOSE! NOT TO TOURTURE MYSELF, BUT BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN! AND IT MOSTLY WAS! Oh progress, you really are a wonderful thing.
The boys playing in the super awesome playroom at my sister’s house. A second after this photo T sadly ran Gabe over. But Gabe quickly rebounded and pushed the car off causing T to fall under the car himself.
And a moment after this shot they managed to go down the slide at the same time.