Today is/was/would have been my due date. I’ve been dreading this day since last fall. It seemed like a great time to have a baby, the beginning of spring, and my sister and I joked that it would rock if I went into labor early on April 1st because no one would believe me. We found out about losing the pregnancy exactly 7 months ago today. And it has been a really shitty 7 months. The medical complications surrounding the miscarriage left me an emotional wreck. And I knew I’d be scared my body would betray me when I got pregnant again, but the resurgence of my anxiety disorder has been much worse than I anticipated. The winter we’ve had hasn’t really helped. It’s been the 4th snowiest on record in Syracuse, we’ve gotten 178.6” so far. And being it snowed on Mother’s Day last year who the hell knows when it will be over for good. The snow isn’t the only difficulty, when you move to Syracuse you sort of expect it. The surprise has been the lack of sun. Annually we get less sunny days than Seattle. The gloominess takes a heavy toll.
It’s hard for me to imagine how happy we were 7 months ago. Last summer was magical. It was one of the best summers of my life. Z adjusted his work schedule so he was home by around 3 every afternoon and the three of us played in the backyard for hours. Though it is hard to believe now, the weather was beautiful. It rains so much here that it is incredibly green and lush during the summer. The previous owner of our house was a gardening fanatic and different flowers were in bloom from early spring until fall. We’ve never had a yard before, and it was such a treat. Z built some outdoor tables, we grilled out all the time, and we often had friends over to enjoy it all with us. T had been sleeping through the night for several months and Z and I felt like we’d survived the sleepless infancy and were reaping the rewards of parenthood. Developmentally T was starting to really respond to us and the world around him, he was a delight. And then we conceived a baby, on purpose this time, amidst all that intoxicating joy. Life was so perfect it seemed too good to be true. And of course, it was.
One of the many things I haven’t come to terms with is the fact that there were two babies early on in the pregnancy. By the time we had an ultrasound it had been weeks since one of the embryos had stopped developing, the second one had died more recently. Half the time I think of them as one and the other half of the time I include the little thing that only was able to live for a few weeks. During T’s pregnancy the idea of twins scared the shit out of me. I didn’t want to be a mom to one kid, let alone two. But the thought of twins had crept into my mind last summer. I’d always wanted to be a twin, that closeness, that feeling of never being alone in this world was very romantic to me. When I was a little girl I would think that if I couldn’t be a twin maybe I could have twins someday. My childhood dream was almost fulfilled, and then it was another thing that was lost.
Of course, my unresolved feelings and heartbreak surrounding the miscarriage and today’s due date are very separate from my current pregnancy. Although last fall I knew things would be much easier for me if I was pregnant again by the time this day rolled around. It was the coward’s way of wanting to get through this milestone, but I’ve never been know for my bravery. And today I am exactly 19 weeks pregnant. Almost half way there. I’ve been feeling this fellow bopping around my belly for a few weeks now, and it is very comforting to know he is OK in there. The genetic tests looked great, his ultrasounds have looked great, I’ve definitely popped so he’s growing as he should be. And because my current due date is August 28th there is a small chance I will have our boy on September 3rd, exactly 5 months from today. There would be a certain poetic justice to that. Not that it would erase the events of our 10th anniversary, but it would reclaim the day as one of joy for our family.
Z has a 3/4 size guitar and he brought it downstairs to show a friend. T discovered it was small enough for him to carry around the house.
I’m having a hell of a time convincing him to stand still and smile for photos.
This one is a little better. Z’s mom is in town and she gave T this awesome drill. He has barely put it down since her arrival.