Twofer Tuesday (Except it was Friday)

Very occasionally I’ll go ahead and have two separate anxiety attacks in one day. After having one I like to think I’m sort of safe for the rest of the day, so I often get disoriented when the second one rolls around. Last night we were eating dinner outside when my heart started pounding again. And as unbelievable as it sounds I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I thought back about the day and decided to fixate on what I’d eaten at the movies.

Because the movie was a big deal to me I thought I’d disregard my diet on this very special occasion and I got a small popcorn (layered with the simultaneously disgusting and delicious fake liquid butter and generously sprinkled with salt) and a small Coke Icee (which was actually huge). It’s my standard movie theater order and I wouldn’t have thought twice about getting it before the whole gestational diabetes scare. It was the first soda I’d had in over a month. The whole thing sat in my stomach like a brick. It made me feel so gross I didn’t even want lunch when I got home. The only thing I ate yesterday before making dinner was a nectarine even though I’m usually ravenous all the time now. Yup, the unhealthy food made me feel bad, there are no two ways about it. I mean, the anxiety attack didn’t help matters. But the truth is when you consistently eat healthily you really feel gross after the instant gratification of the junk food. Um, that is a new lesson to me. I’ve basically eaten junk for my whole life. Since working at Whole Foods it’s been expensive and usually all-natural or organic junk, but it’s been junk all the same.

Back to the anxiety attack. So I convinced myself that I was having some diabetic reaction to the stuff I’d eaten half a day earlier. Even though it’s been established that I do not, in fact, have gestational diabetes. I asked Z if he thought it was possible that the soda I’d had more than eight hours previously was affecting my physiology. He gave me that old standby look of his, the one of pity and incredulity simultaneously, and told me no. He said he thought I was having an anxiety attack. I asked why he thought that and he said, “First of all, you’ve said it yourself a bunch of times over the last few minutes.” I thought back and I didn’t remember saying it once. Evidently I did realize I was having an anxiety attack on some level, and I was actually talking about it, but I wasn’t conscious of it. Weird, right? Hearing that sort of jerked me back to reality. I told Z I was going to have to go ahead and take a chill pill.

As much as I wanted to get through this pregnancy without one, I knew I had permission from my doc, and I thought my poor New Guy had been through quite enough for the day. I needed to calm the fuck down as much for him as for myself. Z totally agreed with me. The pill did what it was meant to do.  New Guy was moving around a lot as it started working, which set my mind at ease. He was also active through the night and through the morning.

There are probably plenty of people who would be critical of me using medication during pregnancy, even once. Hell, they probably would wonder why a crazy lady would think she had any business being a mom in the first place. Thankfully those folks haven’t found my blog. But you know what? I’m doing the best I can here. I am actively working on my problems and I have strategies in place to deal with emergency situations. After years of anxiety attacks I feel like I have multitasking down. During the AM attack I was paying attention to the movie as I was figuring out what the hell was going on with my body. During the PM one I managed to play with T and feed him and change his diaper as I dealt with attack number two. Do the attacks suck? Um, yes. Yes, they do. But they are part of who I am. And most other parts of my life are beyond wonderful, so I don’t really have a lot to complain about. Besides, they are kind of funny in retrospect. I didn’t know I was having an anxiety attack, yet I was telling Z I was having an anxiety attack? You can’t make that shit up.

T is being a little more cooperative about standing still and smiling for photos. Man, he looks like a Cordano here. And man, is he turning into a big boy. Breaks my heart and makes me proud all at the same time.

T on a rather funky and rustic stool Z made from a piece of trunk that was hanging around the yard. 

Z and a dear friend loaded a hunk of wood on our friend’s truck to get milled this morning. Of course, T helped.
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4 thoughts on “Twofer Tuesday (Except it was Friday)

  1. A thought for you on diet (post-Bebe Dos birth, of course):

    Have any of your docs suggested a low carb diet? There is anecdotal evidence that cutting out sugars, flours, etc. (I know, I know) can even out mood and have additional positive psychological effects.

    You may already know this, but people with epilepsy are often put on a ketogenic (very low carb) diet and it seems to control seizures, often as well as medication. Considering that many atypical anti-psychotic (AAP) drugs are prescribed for both epilepsy and BPD, I wonder if similar diets may help lessen your anxiety.

    I'm happy to research this further for you, if you like, so you can discuss with your doctors. I think you know that Depakote used to be one of my clients, so I can do the search with a certain degree of scientific/category know-how.

    xoxox

  2. Lovely Stacey,
    I haven't investigated diet in terms of the mental stuff, but I will bring it up after New Guy is born. For the remainder of the pregnancy the doc has suggested I stick to a low sugar and refined carb diet because of my score on the initial blood glucose test. I have (for the most part) and it certainly has had a dramatic effect on my weight. I'm still less than 10lbs more than I was pre-pregnancy. And being i was overweight going into this thing, the doctor is pretty pleased with the weight situation. I'm not sure the weight loss would be enough to motivate me to keep it up post baby, but if there was also a mental health incentive I might go for it.

    Oh man, we would love to see you guys. You are always always always welcome for a visit!

    Thanks again for the great information. xoxo

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