As I was making myself lunch today I started to sob and couldn’t stop. Z was so confused. Thankfully, he was also incredibly comforting. I’m frustrated and disapointed with myself. This morning we started loading books on the bookshelves in the 3rd floor because the reno is complete. Doesn’t seem like an overwhelming job, but we are book lovers and book collectors. So we’re talking about a shit load of books. The bending over to lift them was making me terribly lightheaded and then I started getting contractions. I was so pissed I couldn’t do a simple job without my pregnancy getting in the way. I was pissed Z had to lug the futon mattress and frame up the stairs by himself. I was pissed I need a nap in the middle of the day to make it to the end of the day. I was pissed I haven’t been a trooper about this heat, instead we’ve had the A/C on all week. I also might have been a smidge hormonal.
T and Z just left the house to go to a cook out at a neighbor’s place. For the first time in a while I couldn’t get it together to get out of the house to join them, and that is adding to me feeling pretty low. The heat has really kicked my ass this week. I’ve been working on keeping both me and T hydrated and in good health, but that has meant we have been house bound in the merciful air conditioning. Yesterday morning I had to go to the grocery store, and even that short trip before the heat of the day took hold was too much. I was having contractions in the check out line while praying I’d just make it home before anything freaky happened.
And I did make it home just fine. Z came home from work early (already planned) and then T went down for his nap, so I got to spend most of the afternoon sitting on the couch. We had a doc appointment late in the afternoon and my wonderful doc said the contractions were totally normal and not the kind that opened the cervix. He said I did the right thing by getting my feet up and that I’d have them for the remainder of the pregnancy when I exerted myself. Then he told me not to exert myself.
I’m a pretty lazy gal, so I can’t imagine what this stage of pregnancy is like for those Type As out there. It’s bad if even I’m frustrated that I can’t make it to the grocery store in a little heat without having contractions. I have shit to do! We need to get T’s new bedroom ready and his old room ready for New Guy! And I need to be doing stuff with T during the day! Poor guy is bored out of his skull from hanging out inside with me. I don’t even have enough energy to take him to the mall to run around and it’s too hot for both of us to take him to the park. He’s been acting like a little turd this week, and I absolutely don’t blame him. He needs more stimulation. He needs to see other kids.
We had him outside in the sprinkler for a little while this afternoon. As we were setting things up he walked part of the way down the driveway and saw the much older kids who live across the street were out. He started waving like crazy and shouted, “Hi Kids!” and it absolutely broke my heart and make me feel so guilty. He just wants to be around other people. And he will be tonight, which is terrific. And preschool is going to be great for him in the fall.
I just feel like I’m failing him in the socialization department. He gets to play with my one mom friend’s kids frequently. And he adores them. He also adores a couple we hang out with all the time, and they are wonderful about playing with him. And on Monday we are having two families over who have small kids for a BBQ. I could see us being friends with both the couples, it feels very much like a first date and I have my fingers crossed it’ll go well. But we don’t do play groups, I haven’t met a bunch of other moms, mostly because of my anxiety issues, and I absolutely don’t want the same for him. This winter when it’s snowing like crazy and I’ve got a baby to deal with I’m really worried about making sure T is getting what he needs as well. I feel like I’m doing a shitty job meeting his needs before the baby comes, how am I going to cope after?
Yes, I’m having a bratty pity party over here. The nachos from my favorite place are helping, though. So is the venting. And I’m guessing Z will suggest we watch a Harry Potter movie of my choice tonight. That’ll really help. I really married the right man.