And to my 4 male readers: You might feel better giving this one a pass. Amanda, was this what you were talking about? Or did I go to the too much place?
After my miscarriage last year I would like to say I’m honestly grateful for every single horror I’m going to lay out for you. Yup, I hate being pregnant. But I love being a mom. And I want this little critter who is ruining me from the inside out. I may not feel bonded to him yet, but that’s totally cool. It’s more like I feel a fierce curiosity about who he is and what he looks like. Will he be a mini T? Or will he look like Z? In my heart of hearts I want him to look like Z. We have one Cordano baby, I’d like to see what a little Leonard boy is like. Bottom line, to me this pregnancy awfulness is totally worth it. That said, I think it would be helpful if we talked frankly about it a bit more. Not the sanitized shit in the pregnancy books, but the real, gross, and surprising ways it affects your body.
Of course, all of this stuff might not happen to you. Your pregnancy grossness is going to be unique! I haven’t experienced many of the yucky things that some women deal with. And then there are those magic women who have great and easy pregnancies. This is not very gracious of me, but I hate their guts. The thing is, you know your body. You might not love it, but you know it. If you’ve waited as long as I have to get pregnant you’ve known it for a really long time. It is enormously disconcerting to have it rebel and turn into something you aren’t sure how to handle. The changes aren’t fun, they make you a stranger in your own body.
Here is my abbreviated list of super disgusting stuff to keep in mind while considering pregnancy. I will try not to be too graphic. If any of you have specific questions feel free to email.
- As you get super pregnant you start to sweat like a pig. Like. A. Pig. I use a prescription deodorant called drysol, OK, so I use drysol even when I’m not pregnant. I have a sweating problem. Yes, I am gross. Chronic diarrhea, excessive sweating, anxiety disorder. Can you believe that Z got so lucky? And please, don’t tell me how it is giving me cancer. You won’t change my mind about using it. Because seriously, the sweating is even worse than usual during pregnancy. And it certainly smells worse.
- The foot sweat? In the second half of the pregnancy it’s bizarre. Since it’s summer the only shoes I wear are my flip flops. They will be tossed as soon as summer is over. When I am in public I’m sure that others can smell them. As I walk my feet actually slip around my shoes and I’m constantly scared I’m going to fall because of my own sweat puddles.
- During the 3rd trimester you will feel about the least sexy you’ve ever felt. And yet, the amount of, um “discharge” will increase so alarmingly you will ask the doctor if there is something wrong with you. You will actually start to wear panty liners to save yourself from having to prewash your underwear. Because nothing makes you feel worse about your physical repulsiveness than prewashing underwear. Even though one of the few upsides of pregnancy is not dealing with your period and its accoutrement, even though you hate panty liners more than anything, you will use them every hour of every day.
- Clothing will feel disgusting, but being naked will feel disgusting as well. You won’t have anything to wear because you will feel so physically uncomfortable in anything.
- If you are overweight in any way (or even if you’re not in some cases) your flab will rub together and you will get rashes. You’ll get them on your inner thighs, you’d get them between your boobs, you’ll get them under your boobs, you may even get them in your armpits. If you are pregnant in summer the rash between your boobs might be visible to others even if you aren’t wearing a very revealing shirt.
- If you groom your lady bits in any way, well you won’t be able to anymore in the 3rd trimester, earlier if it’s not your first pregnancy. If it’s really important to you you’ll have to go to a professional. Otherwise, just cross your fingers when you put on a bathing suit if you’re pregnant in the summer. It’s not like you’re gonna be the one seeing it.
- Out of the blue you might develop subdermal cysts all over your body. One on your arm might even be visible to the naked eye. You will ask every medical professional you meet about them, they will all say they are normal. You will still lay awake at night feeling even more physically repulsive, but as a bonus you will also be sure you have cancer.
- You might not get stretch marks on your belly! Which rocks! But you might get them around the circumference of your upper thighs. Which sucks.
- You will constantly lube up your stomach to prevent the worst itching you’ve ever experienced in your life as your skin stretches.
- Your bowels will be in an uproar. This can mean diarrhea, or constipation, or both. But I have never talked to a heavily pregnant lady who hasn’t suffered in this department (I don’t know why, but we always talk about poop, even if we are strangers. Pregnancy totally makes you lose your inhibitions). I implore you, DO NOT FORCE IT. Anal fissures are one of the most painful things I’ve ever experienced. Yes, I got mine post partum. But they don’t just go away. After I’m done procreating for good there will have to be surgery. I have your best interests at heart, do not do this to yourself!
- You might pee yourself when you sneeze or cough hard in the first two trimesters. The good news is this might pass by the third trimester. The bad news is you will wake every two hours all night long having to pee worse than you have ever had to pee in your entire life. And you will literally limp to the bathroom because if you walk normally you will wet yourself. During the day out of nowhere it will feel like your unborn child is grasping your bladder with both hands and squeezing. And if you don’t get to the bathroom immediately there will be big wet problems.
- If you are 3rd trimester pregnant in the summer don’t even try to put rings on. Don’t look closely at your hands and feet, they will belong to someone who weighs roughly 100lbs more than you and they will just make you sad.
- I will end on a high note. Your belly button might not become an outie, which will crush you because you might be obsessed with your belly button. But you might get to see the bottom of it. Which will be FUCKING AWESOME for you because your belly button is normally so deep it goes all the way to your spine. Um, or that might just be me.