Is there someone in your life that you totally idolize? Who you have wanted to be friends with for years and years? One who could never actually live up to your expectations in real life? When I was a freshman in college there was a first year grad student who I basically wanted to be when I grew up. If I couldn’t be her, then I wanted to be her little sister. People thought we looked alike (which was very flattering to me) and she very kindly played along with the little sister thing. We didn’t see each other for years and years, but thanks to the wonders of Facebook we’ve gotten back in touch. Over the last few years we’ve actually become friends. And the magic thing is she is even more amazing than I imagined her to be. She’s done the impossible and managed to live up to my ridiculous expectations. So when she says something it holds a lot of importance to me.
We were visiting her back in January and she told me that she had a feeling this was going to be a huge year for me, that really good things were going to happen. So all year I’ve been waiting. For fame, fortune, the whole nine yards. Because I look up to her so very much I’ve been sure that something wonderful and life changing would happen. And now we are a couple of days away from December. Things are starting to look bleak in the fame and fortune departement.
She and her mother spent Thanksgiving with us this year. And while we were talking yesterday, I brought up her prophecy from the beginning of the year. She was kind enough to say that I am thriving as a mom. After more discussion we decided that might be it. Having my sweet Charlie made this a huge year, my family fills every day with good things. Maybe it is time for me to adjust my expectation of what wonderful means. Fame and fortune don’t seem to be in the cards for me. If the 16 year old me saw what the 34 year old me turned into she would have been deeply ashamed. She’d see me as a huge failure. But truth be told, she was a self absorbed idiot.
Yes, a tiny bit more money would make our life feel more secure. But the stuff that matters, that makes a full life wasn’t even on the radar of that idiot teenager. What I want for myself has shifted and the reality is I have a husband who is a partner in every way, two sons that I will do everything in my power to raise into kind men, a beautiful house in which we feel truly at home, Z has a job that fulfills him, and I am fortunate enough to make the choice to stay at home with the kids for now. This has been a huge year. It has been big. I need to adjust my dreams to fit the life I have, not some crazy glamorous life that not only isn’t going to happen, but might not be as great for me as the one I’ve got going. How many women are lucky enough to feel not only adored, but actually liked by their husbands? How many get to live in their dream home? How many are afforded the choice to be at home with their kids? We might be broke all the time, but the trade off is more than worth it to me.
So here’s to a big year! Here’s to growing up a bit! Here’s to family! Here’s to dear friends! Here’s to a beautiful table made by my husband’s hands, filled with delicious food and surrounded by people we love! Happy Thanksgiving to you all!
Boy, does this guy clean up good or what? Photo by Ellie Leonardsmith.
Our happy baby. Photo by Ellie Leonardsmith.
T dancing along with the T-Day Parade. Photo by Jenn Mattern.