This morning when I pulled into the parking lot at therapy there was a moving van straddling five parking spaces right where I always park. When my routine is messed up I become sure that something bad is going to happen, so while I was planning on talking about other stuff during my session it made sense to bring up how unexpected changes in my routines completely wreck me. It was embarrassing to tell my therapist that I thought something bad was going to happen while we were talking. I’m not sure what the bad thing was supposed to be, she rightly pointed out we didn’t tend to have “bad” or “contentious” conversations.
And it wasn’t a bad conversation. I explained that I resent my anxiety for demanding that I be a creature of habit, for requiring that I must always do the same thing in order to feel safe. But she reframed the situation. She said that my anxiety wasn’t forcing me to do the same things, rather I was battling my anxiety by finding comfort in my patterns. She said the routines helped me get through the day and I should cut myself some slack when it came to them. I’m still on the fence about the discussion. Cutting myself slack always seems suspect-like taking the easy way out. But it was a lot of food for thought.
New things, transitions, the unexpected they are all hard for me. But the truth is there is so much to feel good about right now. Fall is my favorite season. As a kid I was excited about the start of a new year of school, which led to Halloween, which led to Thanksgiving, which led to my birthday, which led to Christmas. It’s a couple of months that are filled with awesome. As an adult there is the added fantasticness of our wedding anniversary kicking things off on September 3rd. I’m happy for T, he wants to go back to school with every fiber of his being. I’m happy C will get more of my attention. I’m looking forward to apple picking at local orchards and the many Jewish Apple Cakes I’ll make. My parents are visiting next week, our friends from Brooklyn might be coming up, our sisters-in-law are planning on coming on October, my folks will be back for Thanksgiving. That is a shitload of good stuff.
And tomorrow I’m going to drive down to campus and sign up for a class. Seriously. I’m going to do it. I swear. At least I’m desperately trying to talk myself into it. By writing it here I’m hoping there will be no way to back out. If I make it happen tomorrow I will definitely post about the class. It sounds unbelievably cool. If I do make it happen I will be unabashedly proud of myself.