Somewhere in northern Pennsylvania early yesterday evening I told Z I thought I was pregnant. Z dripping with sarcasm, “Of course you are.” Me, “I know. I’m buying a pregnancy test tomorrow.” Z, “Oh my fucking god. Are you kidding me?” (Don’t worry–the kids were sleeping) Me, “You know what? I think there is one under the sink in the bathroom. I totally don’t have to buy it!” Z, “Are we doing this? Your period just ended.” Me, “Yup. And I certainly haven’t ovulated yet. I’m just trying to explain to you the level of crazy I’ve been feeling. But by the way, people have periods and are pregnant all the time. It happens. I mean I know I’m not and I’m just being crazy. But I do think I am. Technically it is within the realm of possibility.” Z, “I…no…not doing this” Me, “I’m amazed I’ve know I was pregnant for days and haven’t told you about it yet. It has taken a lot of self control on my part.” Z kind of muttering, “Crazy. Really very crazy.”
I’m not pregnant. According to the test I took this morning. It was one of those fancy digital ones and at first I thought it was defective because it said “ON”. I figured it out, but it took an embarrassingly long time. Not kidding. Just thought you should know more about the towering intellect of the writer of this here blog you are spending your precious time reading.
I’m not pregnant. My anxiety, on the other hand, is out of control. I was able to keep it mostly together during the shitty week. But my ability to ward off the anxiety seemed to slip away during the drive. I was queasy the whole time and the closer we got home the more filled with dread I became. Within an hour of being in our house I had a raging migraine. I’ve gotten them for years. Z has wondered time and time again if they aren’t linked to my anxiety and I’ve angrily dismissed him. Because when a real medical issue is related to the crazy it makes me feel like I’m making it up, or like I have a level of control over it. Just don’t be anxious! And you won’t have IBS! Or fatigue! Or migraines! I know better, I know that I don’t have control, that I’m not purposely making it happen. But I know it like I know I’m not pregnant. Deep down I still think I’m pregnant.
I’m happy to be in Syracuse. I love our home and I really love our friends. Yesterday’s post was completely sincere and true. But isn’t life always more complicated than one post? If I’m going to be completely honest (which is the point) I dread being home as well. I feel alone here so far from family. The semester starts on Monday, Z is back at work and busier than ever. He is going to DC to rehearse with the Modern Dance company he’s collaborating with tomorrow so I’ll be flying solo till Friday evening. T’s first question this morning was if his school was closed. He can’t wait to get back in the swing of things, too. Their lives are developing and exciting…and I am back to being a SAHM. Life is good in Syracuse, but it is fact that my anxiety has been worse since I stopped working/became a mom/moved here. Traveling is its own kind if difficult, but it is a break from the suffocating monotonous loneliness of being home with the kids. And now I sound like an ungrateful asshole. I know I’m lucky to be at home with them. I WANT to be at home with them. At the same time it is hard. And the anxiety paralyses me and makes change seem impossible.
C had his follow up visit to his pediatrician today. He has another ear infection. And he’s lost a pound in the last month. That news did not help. His doc has decided it’s time to visit an Ear, Nose, and Throat Doc. She understands why he lost the weight, but he was small to begin with. Now he’s more than 16 months old and he weighs 19 pounds. He’s fallen off the curve. This month Z and I will concentrate on stuffing his face and we’ll go back for a visit to check his weight next month. Getting the ear situation addressed will hopefully help. Kid gets nasty diarrhea whenever he is on antibiotics (he’s mine, alright). And he seems to always be on antibiotics. I just want my baby to be healthy. He hasn’t had a fever, he’s been acting fine since the second hospital stay. It really threw me off balance to learn his ear is infected again.
So yes, crazy is back. Feeling a bit defeated.