The other day my Mother-in-law kindly called to share some suggestions about how to bulk up C’s diet. Z was a tiny guy as well and she was constantly trying to get his weight up. She had some great ideas, I’ve already bought some of the items she brought up. She was talking about adding ingredients to baked goods when she caught herself and said I wouldn’t have time to be baking him stuff right now. She and my Father-in-law are extremely supportive of my choice to stay at home with the boys, they treat it with import equal to Z’s job that actually supports us. I’m really lucky.
But when she said I wouldn’t have time to bake right now I wanted to laugh. I could be baking, could be cleaning, could be fucking interacting with my children who are currently watching Nick Jr. On Wednesday I let them watch TV all day while I looked at a Harry Potter Tumblr. Yes, I just typed that. Yes, I’m completely ashamed of myself.
Yet again I’ve forgotten how fast my mental health can deteriorate. A week ago I was fine. It was a stressful time, but I was coping. I handled C’s return trip to the hospital without falling apart. And now here we are at home, completely safe and where I wanted us to be, and gravity feels ten times more crushing than it did last Friday. It is pinning me to the ground and I don’t have the energy to fight back. There is a neighborhood playgroup scheduled for today. I’d been planing on going, but I can’t. I can’t face pretending that I’m fine. So T is stuck in the house again. Z is headed back from his work trip and right into managing an unwell wife. And I feel so raw I just want to disappear into nothing.
When this starts I always wonder if this will be the time that I can’t catch a foothold. There are no guarantees I’ll be able to get better. The next breakdown could be around any corner. It scares me that I don’t even feel like I could fight it right now. I look at my boys who deserve so much and I feel so worthless. I’m not enough for them. I know I need to try. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be able to. I don’t think it is going to happen today.