Side Effects

The side effects are starting with the whole crazy person drug business. I hate this part. I’m ready to just give up and go back to figuring out the anxiety disorder with talk therapy and the occasional chill pill.

Because that was working out so brilliantly.

Seriously, I know that I need to be doing this. I know that my therapist is not some extremist drug pusher, that she respects the reasons that I don’t want to be on an SSRI. I know that figuring out the right meds will take time and there will be some discomfort. I know that I made a sincere effort to get by with just the talk therapy. I know my anxiety is real and that it needs to be treated. I know I’m doing this for my family as much as I’m doing it for myself. I know I’m in my comfort zone-my therapist and my prescriber are the same person and that is of the utmost importance to me. It never worked for me when some random doc who didn’t know my history prescribed my drugs. I think that system is terribly flawed frankly dangerous. So yes, I know that I need to be doing this.

But it motherfucking sucks balls.

A couple of days ago I upped my dose of the new meds. Eventually my therapist wants me to be on about 45mg of Buspirone a day. We starteed with 15mg a day and now I’m up to 22.5mg, 7.5mg in the morning after C wakes and I nurse him  and 15mg at night after I nurse C and put him to bed. About 20 minutes after swallowing the pill I’m getting the spins like crazy. Last night they were so strong that I had to go to bed or risk puking all over the place. The vertigo passes after another half an hour or so, but it is frightening to feel so out of control.

The diarrhea has started. I knew there was the possibility it would be a side effect and it’s so bad that I think I have to make the call to the butt doctor on Monday. The “Hey! Happy Monday morning poor-receptionist-who-has-to-take-about-ass-maladies-all-day-long! I think my anal fissure is back! Let’s schedule an appointment so I have an exam! Can we talk about humiliating it is to drop your drawers and bend over the exam table so some stranger can look at my asshole with a magnifying glass? No? You don’t care?” call. Man, do I love that conversation.

My next therapy session is Wednesday morning. And we will talk through all this shit. But the thing that drives me crazy is I can’t just make the decision to go on meds and then wake up several weeks later and realize they worked! I am suddenly no longer crazy! I mean, maybe it works that way for some people, but it doesn’t for me. Things will probably eventually get better, but first there is the terrifying slog through  adjusting to meds. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I don’t think the docs and shrinks have been holding out on me. If there was a magic pill to make my self loathing go away, to make the world feel less terrifying, to make me comfortable in my own skin, to cure the IBS, to make me not scared to leave the house, to make me NORMAL they would have given it to me more than a decade ago. There are no promises of miracle cures. This disease requires constant work, tweaking here and there, commitment on my part not to get lazy but to actively try and help myself. Which kind of blows. Man, I wish there was a magic pill.


Ok, how about something pleasant for a change. I made pierogi last night for the first time. It was fun and they were delicious.

cooked pierogi

All cooked up. The dough was easy enough to work with and I added bacon and cheddar to the potato filling. These are definitely going into regular rotation.

chocolate soul patch

T with a lovely chocolate soul patch.

toddler technology

Still freaked out by their aptitude when it comes to technology. They are going to know more than me within the next year or so. Not that it takes a lot to outpace my knowledge when it comes to electronics.


12 thoughts on “Side Effects

  1. Hi hon. I feel your pain, albeit to a very insignificant level that you are. SSRIs have worked for me to a certain extent, but I have been unreasonably pissy about the fact that I have had to up my dosage of Fluoxitine (generic Prozac) from a totally mild 20 mg to 40 mg a day just so I can drive a car without my throat seizing up 🙂 Frickin highways 🙂 Anyway, I don’t have much advice other than keep being the awesome wife and mama that you are (and please never doubt that you are) and keep it up with your doc. Xxoo

    • Thank you my dear. I understand the frustration at having to increase the dose. I guess we do what we need to do to be there for our families.

      A decade ago would you have believed we’d both be stay at home moms in the wilds of upstate? Is this year the 10th anniversary of Sparky’s closing? We should arrange a reunion of sorts to celebrate/mourn…

  2. I only like this because I am where you are at the moment, I have recently been reading a book called It’s Not All in Your Head. It is not necessarily only about anxiety disorder alone but is a self help book more for people suffering health anxieties, but it touches a lot with generalized anxiety disorders, as obviously that is often time a major factor in it. It has a lot of wonderful advice for dealing with it and that advice works both with health anxiety as well as generalized. It is not by any means a substitute for therapy or medication HOWEVER there are some great things in it for coping with stress levels and helping understand anxiety as a whole. I found reading it almost to be more helpful. ANYWAY after a very long explanation haha, I will end with saying it is worth a read! I got my copy from the library but I think I may just suck it up and spend the money to buy it. It is written by Gordon J.G Asmundson, PhD, and Steven Taylor, PhD. I wish you all the luck in coping with this and finding your way through it, I have barely even started my road to fixing it in myself and I understand very VERY much how difficult it can be.

    p.s sorry for the novel of a comment.

    p.p.s love the chocolate soul patch 🙂

    • Thanks for the recommendation, I’ll totally check it out. I wish you a lot of luck as you navigate life with an anxiety disorder. It sounds like you are being really proactive, which is fantastic. Your daughters will benefit tremendously from seeing you take care of yourself.

      • Sometimes I feel I sound much more productive then I really am but it is something I try every day, my biggest challenge is going outside the house on my own with out Jeff I still have yet to manage more then taking the girls for a walk around the block since moving here. It is tough! But I am thankful for the girl because I feel I would let it be much worse if it were not for them. And thank you 🙂 I wish the same to you as well

  3. Give the meds a chance. It takes some trial and error but once they get it right you will be fine. I’m in two different medicines right noe and ism lightyears better than I was 6 months ago.

    • Intellectually I know what you are saying is compeltely correct. The anxiety is exacerbated by the fear of the side effects right along with the actual side effects. But I know I need to stick with it. I know eventually they’ll help. Thanks for the encouragement.

      • They will. And the side effect will decrease as your body adjusts to the medicine. I had some unpleasant side effects at first, too, but they did go away in a couple weeks time.

        Keep going!!

  4. Virtual hug! I am not looking forward to dealing with my daughter’s med check this week…her therapist and prescriber are in the same office at least. I do know that the meds have kept her anxiety in check–and it’s some scary stuff as a mom to have your kid go from annoyingly extroverted to afraid to leave the house. But the prospect of dealing with these kind of meds long-term is just scary and makes my heart hurt for her.

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