18 Months Postpartum

A couple of days ago I realized something alarming. My boobs have deflated much like a discarded balloon lost under the sofa for a month. At first I was crushed. I had big boobs long before I got pregnant. And then I was worried-was C still getting milk? That question was answered in the affirmative when he vomited spectacularly after nursing on Thursday. But finally I was….excited. Yup. I’m happy to have flappy little saggy tits.

I’m going to say something nice about myself now. I know. Weird. As a young woman my boobs were magnificent. They were not small and yet they defied gravity. I could get away without wearing a bra no problem. They kind of didn’t look real. My girlfriends were in awe of them, hell for once I was proud of how a part of me looked. Alas, they were completely too awesome to last. They were the boobs of youth.

I’m 36. Those babies are gone forever. Well, not totally. They are tattooed onto Z’s chest. He got a topless mermaid that was taken from a picture of me on our fifth wedding anniversary. So a cartoon version of them lives on.

My boobs didn’t get small again when I weaned T because I was pregnant with C. I should have realized size has nothing to do with milk production because even though they were big my milk dried up because I get so sick during my first trimester. My body just couldn’t make milk and a new baby. T nursed until he was 18 months and I still feel guilty for weaning him before we were both ready. But I’m not pregnant now. (woohoo!) And I don’t plan on being pregnant again. Currently my hope is to nurse C until he is at least 2, but very slowly I feel like I’m getting my body back from the boys. It’s a major relief.

So my new boobs might not be much to look at. But the world of summer clothing is opening back up to me! I can wear tank tops with spagetti straps again! I can wear halter tops! I’ll be able to purchase a bra without super wide straps! Maybe I can even wear a sundress! Small floppy boobs for the win!

t new

About ten days after T was born. They were bigger than his head.

k bathroom 2

Today. Um, the image speaks for itself.

k mirror

I mean, I would consider just wearing the nursing top out in public. Man, I’ve been jealous of the Mamas who could do that in the summer. Goodbye two inches of cleavage! I won’t miss you at all!

And an added bonus? My postpartum hair loss was truly epic. I mean, I convinced myself I was balding. Well, it is growing back! My standard hairstyle, if you can really call it that, has been hair parted on the left and pulled back with two barrettes. Yes, like a preschooler. Whatever. I’m low maintenance in that I take zero pride in my appearance.  I know, I know, Z is super lucky. Well I haven’t been able to use the barrettes for ages because I only had like 14 hairs left. But I can do it again, damn it! I’m back, baby!

old hair

Those of you who went to high school with me will recognize this look being I have been relying on it for well over 20 years. You say try something new? In the early aughts I cut it boy short. Z could barely make eye contact with me for a year. As I have no problem making a fool of myself online I just wasted half an hour looking for a picture, but I can’t find one. If Z knows where our stash of actual photos are I’ll update later. For now just use your imagination. The more hilariously awful the better.

Z is coming home tomorrow. I’m making rice and beans for my guys today. Things are looking up.


2 thoughts on “18 Months Postpartum

  1. I spoke to a woman the other day who said that once you stop being pregnant and breastfeeding for a while your boobs fill out again… I’m hoping this is fact. Last time I stopped breast-feeding my boobs were like spaniels-ears!

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