In Which I Am an Ungracious Little Shit

Back in February when I decided to move the old blog over to WordPress a big reason was the sense of community on this platform. It bugged me that I was unable to “like” WP blog posts because sometimes you don’t have a comment, but you’d like to acknowledge you enjoyed reading. I liked the template designs here more, they feel cleaner and airier. It was a good decision, I really do like it here.

Part of the WP community seems to involve giving “Awards” as a form of encouragement and inclusion. I haven’t paid much attention to them because they just aren’t my thing. But last night Beadstork nominated me for the Liebster Award, which is for blogs with under 200 followers. And to be clear, the nomination is the prize. It is a way to tell the folks who read your blog about the smaller blogs you enjoy.

Here’s the part where I’m a total asshole and uncomfortably honest as usual. It freaked me out. I didn’t want to participate. I was embarrassed. Naturally that made me think and I decided I need to address it. Beadstork was being kind and encouraging, what the fuck is my problem? Well, there is the whole I-hate-compliments-with-my-entire-being thing. For the newer readers-I had a pretty big mental breakdown almost a decade ago and an eventual diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. One of the larger parts of that situation manifested in me believing that everyone was constantly laughing at me/pitying me. Any time I received a compliment I thought I was being mocked. I no longer am categorized as borderline (yay therapy and drugs!) But the compliment thing has continued to be a struggle. “Now wait just a minute,” you say, “Did you not post three pictures of yourself in a bathing suit the other day? Were you not practically begging for compliments?” Listen, I know. I know it looks that way. And I’m sorry about that. I really was not looking for compliments. I was doing something that was very hard for me. I’m trying to not feel so bad about myself. I’m trying to encourage you to not feel so bad about yourself. The second part isn’t hard for me. I really think you should not feel bad about yourself.

Mostly though, I’m a big fat introvert. I’ll wait for you to stop laughing. How can I be an introvert? Me, a reckless internet over-sharer? Well, most of my (teeny-tiny) readership are not folks I see regularly. In fact, when I find out that local in-real-life people read here I get really weirded out and guilty. Like I’m imposing on friendships by shoving really intimate stuff down their throats. For some reason I feel comfortable letting it all hang out online and I don’t feel like it impacts my daily life much. I know, I’m inexcusably naive when it comes to the realities of the internet.

So what to do? The introvert in me is worried that nominating other people will make them uncomfortable-if I am afraid of group activities then everyone must be. I do keep a pretty up to date blogroll. Wish I could share an awesome blog of a friend of a friend who is writing about parenting her foster-to-adopt daughter, but the blog is private for now. The minute it becomes public it’ll go right on my page, though. Recently I’ve gotten back in touch with someone I knew in college. We worked closely together, but I don’t think either of us cared much for the other one back then. Probably because I was insufferable and prim. Turns out we have a lot in common these days and if we lived in the same city I could see us being close. She’s a playwright. A proper writer. And her blog rocks. Did you guys know that Z writes about the found object instruments he makes? Or that my amazing sisters-in-law are blogging about their daughter? Really, if you are in the market for more blogs to read please just check out the blogroll. I haven’t included anyone that isn’t in my RSS feed, they are the folks I think are awesome.

And that is the point of this whole award thing I think-encouraging each other to write more. So to Beadstork I’d like to say thank you. Thank you for being encouraging and big hearted and for participating in community. I’m sorry I’m so sloppy about accepting it. The truth is even though I didn’t/don’t know how to gracefully respond to that encouragement, you did make my day. It delighted me that someone I’ve never met has enjoyed this blog enough to share it with her friends. And I’m sure the other folks you nominated feel the exact same way.

To my friends who write. Please keep writing. I love reading your stuff. You brighten my day, it stands to reason you are brightening other people’s days as well.

I like this WordPress situation. I like the community. I like that people seem to want to lift each other up. I’m going to try and get better about participating myself. I want to, I really do. Just got to learn to stop tripping on that damn anxiety disorder.

kels and t

Speaking of my sister-in-law, she dropped by the other day on her way to Minnesota. Strange, but true.


Speaking of Z’s instruments, he made this cigar box violin a while ago. This week he met with the Kronos Quartet and the founder and first violinist played this very violin. Z’s life is amazing and I’m so very proud of him.

checkered lily

These crazy checkered lilies are in our front yard. The first spring we lived here it was so cool to discover them and all the other flowers that previous owners had planted.


9 thoughts on “In Which I Am an Ungracious Little Shit

  1. God I love your honesty, really I think it is awesome and I would be lying if I didn’t tell you I wondered why I didn’t make your blogroll. Yes, I am that shallow and insecure, especially about my writing. In all honesty I figured it was my shit-ass comprehension of grammar usage (I blame my piss-poor public school education). I realize that highly educated people like yourself frequently cringe and simultaneously laugh at my fucked up comma usage and sentence structures. So thank you for clearing that up 🙂 I also totally ordered the Esther Williams suit in cobalt blue. Here is hoping it looks decent as we are off to Florida in early June. It recently occurred to me that mothers have to get in the pool. Which means they also have to get in swimsuits. Which means I needed to spend many hours, which I don’t have, trying to find a pretty yet hip swimsuit that would not offend others. Thank you for relieving me of that painstaking duty. I’m glad you switched to wordpress too because it is so much easier to leave you comments. I will now disappear for a week and bury myself in finals.

    • You are totally cracking me up.
      1. The minute you make it public it goes on the blogroll.
      2. I am not highly educated in comparison to you, in fact I constantly worry about MY piss poor grammer and punctuation.
      3. I’m so glad you ordered one! I hope it fits, but if it doesn’t FREE RETURNS. In fact, I also ordered a dress from them in two sizes. Since Z said they looked exactly the same on I turned to your friend and mine, J. In the midst of getting tipsy last night she told me which one fits better and the other is getting packed up to be returned today.
      4. Have a smashing time in Florida!

  2. wait, that sounds dirty. thanks for sharing my blog. (the word blog makes me uncomfortable, but since it’s here on your page, I’ll embrace it).

  3. I just wrote a post about this very thing not too long ago. “Why I don’t like the liebster award.” It reminds me too much of chain letters. Although I do appreciate that people like me! 🙂

  4. Reading this it sounds like I’m reading a page from my own diary. We’re very much alike.

    I’m the kind of person who stands in the back of a group photo because I don’t think I deserve or am pretty enough to be front and center. I won’t call the police when the neighbor is keeping me up all night screaming like a lunatic because I don’t want to be a burden and bother the police. At the restaurant I always stack all my dishes and garbage so the waiter isn’t burdened too much by me. And I hate asking for help because I don’t feel I deserve the attention or help. Basically, I feel like a burden.

    I’m not sure what caused you to feel like you are unworthy or people are laughing at you, but most of my distress stems from my mother who always told me I never did anything to please her (this despite graduating at the top of my class, obeying all her demands-even the ridiculous ones I shouldn’t have, bending over backwards to make her happy, and alienating people because it pleased her). I’m glad I finally realized how bad of an influence she is and how bad of a person she made me. I think identifying the cause and getting as far away as possible is the best step to healing.

    I guess if you’d like to know more about me or talk more about our shared issues, I’m all ears, heart, and an e-shoulder to lean on. 🙂 I hope you have a great day. YOU DESERVE IT! 🙂

    • Thank you for sharing part of your story. While there are situational elements to mine, the reality is I have (and have had for several decades) a pretty severe anxiety disorder. Even before the breakdown and borderline diagnosis. So I go to therapy, I use meds when needed. And it really really helps. If you haven’t tried the therapy route you might want to give it a go.

      It really is kind of you to reach out. Your comment brightened my day.

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