There are the stupid things that don’t matter, but really matter. For the last three months I’ve been on a 21 day cycle instead of the trusty old 28 days. When my period is heavy, or actually whenever I bleed, my anxiety intensifies.

(Hi new readers! Or do the new readers actually come back? To the folks that have been around for awhile I got Freshly Pressed a couple of days ago. That’s what the new reader thing is about. So, new readers. Hi. Welcome. Fair warning: I talk about my period. And my anxiety. And my Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I hope we can still be friends. If not I totally get it.)

I’m anxious. I’m bloated enough so that my jeans that weren’t tight yesterday barely button today. C was whining all morning as I was trying to get ready for the crew of ladies who were coming to evaluate him. I grabbed him and yelled at him to stop. Just. Stop. It. T looked at us crouched by the sofa and shook his head at me. “Yelling at him isn’t going to make him stop, Mommy.” I tried not to cry and apologized to both of them.

Today our 13th wedding anniversary. When I’m nervous I’m an asshole. I was an asshole to Z. In front of others.

The evaluation is complete. C does qualify for intervention. Managing not to cry during the last 10 minutes of the visit was a herculean feat for me. Listening to the below average results of the first standardized test your kid has ever been given is extraordinarily painful. I wanted to make excuses for him. He was tired. He was cranky. He usually listens better. I wanted to explain that I was always terrible at standardized tests. Only got 1090 on my SATs back in 1994. Seriously low compared to my peers in the advanced track. I was ashamed of that score for years. It still sort of stings. I suck at tests, too! It’s my fault his communication score was low! I wanted to explain he is a wonderful child. He is fearless, his gross motor skills are off the hook, he is affectionate, he should be scored on his cuddling ability because it is that good!

Why am I so upset about an outcome I wanted? I think I secretly expected them to tell us he is perfect in every way and we were all worrying about nothing. Instead the evaluators told me we’d hear from them in a week or so, the plan is two 30 minute sessions a week at our home with a reevaluation in 6 months. I thanked them as they left and ran to our back door, out of sight from the boys, I wept and wept and then I wept some more.

My baby needs help. More help than I can give him or Z can give him. My baby needs help and I yelled at him this morning. I was an asshole to Z, my partner in this whole mess. I was terrified by my period. My period! Which I’ve been dealing with for a fucking quarter of a century. I felt completely defeated by life, by that bitch anxiety who whispered in my ear that I am pathetic. That things aren’t actually bad at all. That I lead a charmed life of privilege and the fact I can’t hack it is pathetic. I started to shake and decided there was no way I could go to class this afternoon.

After a while I stopped crying. I fed the boys. I put C down for a nap. I packed my backpack. The babysitter arrived and I went to class. In a couple of minutes I’ll get dressed for our anniversary dinner.

C is fine. He is going to be even better than fine because we are getting him help. T is fine. I have a feeling he is always going to be fine. Z has every right to be angry at me. But eventually we’ll be fine, too. He has proven over and over again he is on my side. And I am fine. When scary things happen I still think about shutting down. But more times than not I manage to force myself to keep going.

It’s been a shitty day. But it has also been a good day. We are getting our boy help. We are doing the right thing. And we’ve been married for 13 years. Even if I’m an asshole, actually especially since I’m an asshole, that is pretty fucking awesome.

c backpack

This perfect-for-us kid is loving Mommy’s new backpack. I have no explanation for what his brother is doing.

13 years

Thirteen years ago today. We were skinny. And there wasn’t a single tattoo among us. The kid I was in the picture had no idea how good it would get. Don’t get me wrong, she didn’t know how bad it would get either. But the good has been extraordinary.


17 thoughts on “Results

  1. Um, I got a 1090 on my SAT’s too. Which I think meant I spelled my name right in those bubble forms. But then I somehow managed to get a 4.0 at a prestigious Master’s program that didn’t need GRE scores (thank God).

    Also, I yelled “JUST SHUT UP” to Potamus last night as he was screaming, which I also realize is counterproductive, and it made me think that the reason I’m not pregnant is because I’m shitty at parenting the 1 kid I have.

    What do they do for the intervention??

    Hugs. Happy Anniversary. 🙂

    • It’s intervention for communication. Evidently it’ll be like play and everyone who is home at the time will take part. I’ll have more info once it starts.

      And yay for 1090s!

      Yup, yelling at the kids. It happens. I guess we just dust ourselves off and try to do better next time….

  2. So glad that C is going to get the help he needs. Admitting that you need help is part of every parent’s journey. Whether it is with delayed speech, behavior issues, a few moments to yourself for your own sanity, etc. Congratulations on 13 years, our 13th year has been pretty awesome so far.

    • Thanks, MIchelle. We are glad he is getting the help as well.

      If you guys are coming up this way again this fall you have an open invitation to stop by for a night! Every couple of months T asks for a playdate with P. Major memory on that kid!

      Glad you guys are out ahead of us testing the waters, and glad to hear 13 has been good so far!

  3. Hi
    (I’m Anon from a while ago – I need a real name ? lol)
    This post made me cry because it is so honest and I can relate to so much of it (again).
    Parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done (mine are a few years older than yours). And I hold myself to a pretty impossible parenting standard, most of the time (cue self loathing).
    My anxiety has been pretty intense lately.
    I, too have been going back to school, taking classes and a job just came up that would be perfect. My anxiety at the prospect of even applying to it is so overwhelming. After a while, it just gets draining. Change is coming and my anxiety does not like change. Some days it is a real battle.
    I guess there is no real point to my comment 🙂
    Just that I can relate again and I appreciate your honesty. Happy Anniversary !

    • Thanks for the anniversary wishes.

      And there is definitely a point! I like to know what is going on with people who take the time to read here. And lord knows, I understand the anxiety undermining everything else in your life. I hope that the anxiety recedes for you a bit and your fall is smooth sailing.

  4. At some point, when I have enough time to write it out, remind me to explain a very good prof of mine’s birth order theory. It’s pretty good. And I think T is just doing the goofy male thing of lying on the couch in whatever position is comfortable. For him.

  5. Your household sounds amazingly realistic And I completely relate. Also try hypnotherapy for Anxiety works wonders 🙂 have a nice anniversary. Kay

  6. Hello, Karen – Cathy in Missouri saying hello at last!

    Things have been very intense here and I don’t get to do much commenting – but I always think of you when I read things like this, about a woman’s struggles with a very unpredictable stomach:

    5.0 out of 5 stars My Next Gastro Appointment Will Be Pointless
    By Erika (Tucson, AZ)
    This review is from: Now Foods Betaine HCl, 648 mg , 120 Capsules

    I’m a young person, late 20s, who has been ill with mystery bowel issues (the unpredictable, potentially uncontrolable kind – ick!) for two years. Doctors can’t figure me out. I had a bottle of enzymes sitting in my cabinet that I’d never tried, so as a last resort I used them. After that meal, I didn’t have an instant ‘urge’ and run off to the restroom. I read the ingredients carefully and noticed they included Betaine HCL. It was the only ingredient in that enzyme mix that wasn’t in the ones I’d tried before, to no avail. After about a week, I decided to order this straight Betaine and Pepsin supplement. The bottle says to take one pill with a meal, however for dinner and lunch, I require 2. Guess what! My bowel issues are almost unnoticeable!!! Not even daily Imodium and Lomotil could give me this comfort. It’s not a complete cure, but I don’t constantly feel icky and worried about what my body will do at any moment. If you’ve been diagnosed with the old “IBS” crapola, then you might consider low stomach acid as your malady. Doctors haver NEVER mentioned this to me, yet all my symptoms fit the bill. If this supplement stops working for me, I’ll edit my review at that time.


    My oldest son is on the autism spectrum and this is one of a number of things we’re trying for his digestive issues. I know you’re a researcher and wondered if you’d already tried the Betaine HCl? If you have, maybe sometime you’ll do a post about it so I can learn from you? 🙂

    I promise I have no financial connection with any supplement companies. Just think of you when someone gets any relief!!

    I read every post, even when I can’t comment.

    xoxo CiM

    • So nice to hear from you Cathy! And sorry that it sounds like you have your hands full on the homefront.

      Haven’t heard of that enzyme, but I will do some internet poking around. Thanks for the tip. My issues seem to be directly linked to anxiety. Any change in my diet has had no effect–good or bad. I can eat the greasiest food, all carbs, all fat and be fine. I can eat tons of veggies and be a mess. Depends on where my mind is. Unfortunately.

      Here’s hoping you find a diet or supplements that ease your son’s issues.

      Thanks for commenting. Will be thinking of you.

  7. Pingback: Fall | Uncomfortably Honest and Honestly Uncomfortable

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