Saturday was supposed to be my long run. It was 9 degrees when I got up, the forecasted high was 18. Z suggested I wait until the afternoon and I had no trouble agreeing with him. Problem was the snow began by the time it was a balmy 14 degrees and I was ready to go.

pre Saturday

Suited up.

It was stupid and dangerous and terrifying and slow. I did 2.3 miles yelling at myself the whole way that if I got hit by a car it would be my own damn fault. That bitch Anxiety was back. She told me if I didn’t run something terrible would happen. The sane part of me told myself if I did run something terrible might happen. Crazy won.

post Saturday

And I was a fucking mess by the time I finished.

Over the weekend one of my smartest friends told me if I increased the the incline a bit on the treadmill that I’d get closer to my natural stride. I took her advice to the Y on Monday (thanks J) and managed to jog two very slow miles. Damn, is it hard to jog on a treadmill. But they were safe and snow free miles.

SU does a great job keeping the campus plowed, so today I tried South Campus for the jog. It was early enough that the roads were still a mess. I basically chased snowplows, or they chased me. It was 10 degrees and snowing. It felt good to be out there even if one of the miles was more than 12 minutes. Running in snow is like running in sand. It is a whole body workout.

Jogging in winter. I’m figuring it out. I want to figure it out. Mostly I’m biding my time till spring. But I’m sticking with this thing even if it scares me to say it.

I’ve been thinking about jogging a lot. How if I’m going at a slow pace I feel like I can just keep on going forever. How I haven’t stopped to walk since the first time I did 5 miles on November 16th. I learned when I feel like I can’t go on now to just slow down a bit. I’m figuring out these little tricks. Coming up with a training routine on my own that changes things up, speed, hills, medium run, long run.

It is still hard. I have to force myself out of the door. I get disappointed when the snow or the treadmill affects my time in such a major way. I beat myself up when I have a bad run. But I’m going to try and stay healthy. I’m going to keep at it.

I’ve been thinking about jogging and time and my birthday and the fact that I’m 37 on Wednesday and that 40 nearly has me surrounded. A year ago right now I couldn’t jog for two blocks. Now I can go for 5.3 miles. This time of year is naturally a time for reflection. Every year I turn to Z and ask what he thinks we will be doing and where we will be in a year.  Life is full of surprises, wonderful and heartbreaking. This year I am focusing on the good- I learned that the impossible is possible. I learned no matter how many times I swore up and down that I could never exercise regularly that it was a big lie. I can make myself do hard stuff.

The other night we were sitting on the sofa after dinner. “I’ve been having a tiny little thought.” I told Z. “Hmm?” he replied. “Now, I get that this is crazy. But what if I were to try and run a marathon before I turned 40?”

Z looked at me like I was an injured bird he found on the sidewalk. He clearly didn’t want to spook me. “I think that is an excellent idea.” he said very soothingly. “I think you can do it.” He paused, terrified he was going to say the wrong thing. “Maybe this summer you could do a half marathon first and then do a full one.”

“Um. Totally. I’d have to start with a half.” He was visibly relieved that I wasn’t going to try and force my way through 26.2 miles in March.

Starting tomorrow I have three years. Before December 18th of 2016 I will run a marathon. There. I’m being bold and outrageous and reckless. I will run a marathon. And you can hold me to it.

bye daddy

Waving goodbye to Daddy on a snowy morning.

snow boat treehouse

The boat treehouse looked lovely dressed up in snow this morning.


12 thoughts on “Resolution

  1. I admire your tenacity. I’ve tried to love running, but I just can’t stick with it. I did a race with my friend, she told me that they had a 5 and 10k. I did not train at all. When we go there I said, “Ok, so we’re doing the 5k, right?” She said she was doing to the 10, so I did the 10. I started wetting my pants (thanks 3 vaginal births) by k7, toward the end I just said screw it and ran and peed. I finished though. My advice to you, wear black on bottom, in case, you know, leaks happen which i am told in marathons they do.

    I’m glad Neil sent me over, though I suspect you may be not so glad after this twisted comment.

    • Um, you haven’t gotten to the post where I discuss shitting myself on a run.

      And I didn’t think I could stick with it either. I don’t know? just doing a little at a time has kept me going. If I started with a 10k I sure wouldn’t have been able to stick with it!

  2. You are where I was just three years ago, except my goal was a half marathon. It’s amazing what you can do when you put your mind to it and keep putting one foot in front of the other. Three years later and now I’m training for my first marathon–a goal that I still can’t believe is truly in my reach. You can totally do it! I You can also figure out the cold weather running thing. 😉

  3. Neil shared this and I’m glad- I want to read all of your posts up to this point. I’ve always wanted to run. I see runners and I really want to be out there running too,but I’m not athletic at all-I was the girl who looked a hot mess just trying to keep running in P.E. I’m getting over that and I’m going to start running anyway. It helps to see your journey and I’m wishing you all kinds of luck.(although,seriously? You’ve got this!) 🙂

    • Oh man, I was that girl in PE, too. Seriously. I’m still a mess while I’m out there. Still don’t call myself a runner, I’m a very slow jogger. It’ll probably take me 10 hours to complete the marathon! Bottom line-if I can do it anyone can!

  4. I too was sent over by a comment from Neil. I started running 3 years ago. If I can run, you can definitely do this. I told myself I was only going to do 5 or 10ks. But in April my dad convinced me to do a 1/2 marathon. So I told him I would do ONE! Only 1 and then I would go back to “normal”. Well I finished my 2nd in October and have 2 scheduled in Feb & March of 2014. And in October of 2014 I plan on running my first and ONLY marathon. =) Keep it up girl! There is this wonderful high that comes from accomplishing your running goals. It can be very addictive.

  5. Yep, Neil. 🙂 He’s a good egg. This was a terrific read. You have more whatever-that-is than I do for sure. But similarly I started in about March of 2012 riding a bike. 9 miles with 3 stops on flat terrain. And I thought I would probably die of a heart-attack on the road. A year later I did 100 miles in a “real” ride with a mile’s worth of climb and 4,000+ other people. Riding is now a vital part of my life. So, you’ve got another cheerleader! Way to go and congratulations on not letting a little thing like frost bite slow you down.

    P.S. – I’ve been your husband in that situation. Careful encouragement…. phew…. give that man a hug.

  6. Pingback: Ouch | Uncomfortably Honest and Honestly Uncomfortable

  7. Pingback: Running While Anxious | Uncomfortably Honest and Honestly Uncomfortable

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