Confession

You know how my whole schtick is to be as honest as possible no matter what? I haven’t been honest. With you, with myself.

Let’s back up a bit. Winter sucks for my anxiety disorder. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) gets sprinkled on top of my regular sundae of crazy. The fact that Syracuse has more overcast days annually than Seattle does not help.

This past week has been particularly unpleasant. I got a pretty brutal cold. Which led to not jogging for 4 days, the longest break I’ve taken since the jogging odyssey began last July. Z and I had a fight so ugly it necessitated an extra couples therapy appointment.

[Yes. Z and I fight. Our relationship is not perfect, nowhere near. We hurt each other, we disappoint each other. We calm down and try to figure out how to do better.]

I put my foot in my mouth epicly. C fell down and gave himself a bloody nose. T and C had an altercation so violent C’s nose was left bloody again. A manageable and forecasted snow storm hit us, but Syracuse has decided not to keep up with plowing this year so the boys unnecessarily missed a day of school because I couldn’t get my car off of our street. C fell out of bed AND HIT HIS NOSE AGAIN!

When a whole bunch of not great stuff happens, especially at the times my crazy is more…present the self loathing starts to take over. I feel worthless and useless, unfit as a mother and wife. I feel fat and ugly. I’m sure I disgust those around me, I certainly disgust myself. It is hard not to cry, hard to get out of bed, hard not to listen to the bitch who whispers, “I hate you, I hate you” on a nonstop loop in my head.

So the thing I haven’t been honest about has been festering in my mind. It has become the thing I think about constantly, turning it over and over in my head reminds me how weak and useless and stupid I actually am.

Just over a year ago I had a bad pap smear. It was scary, but I followed directions and had a colposcopy. That pretty much sucked. And it turned out I have HPV. The cool thing is the virus can clear itself so six months later when I had another pap I didn’t have HPV anymore.

In early December I got a call from my gynecologist reminding me about my annual visit that week. I panicked. And told the nice woman who called that I had a scheduling conflict, but I’d call back the following week.

I never called back.

Things aren’t going so well with me. I cannot deal with HPV coming back. Or another colposcopy. Or the thought of cervical cancer. I know I’m being stupid. I know I’m being irresponsible. But I can’t seem to force myself to make the phone call. I am really scared.

This week I came clean to Z. And now I’m coming clean to you. I mean, if you’ve been stupid about something you are scared of I get it. But I think you are strong enough to face it. You just need a little encouragement. I need a little encouragement as well. Monday is my day, I can feel it. I will call the doc on Monday. Pap smear, here I come.

my valentine

T made me a Valentine. It isn’t all bad around here.

sleepy boy C

This poor kid’s nose has been through the wringer this week.

Syracuse winter

Normal Syracuse morning.

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7 thoughts on “Confession

  1. I feel you, Karen. Some days out of every month I feel great, I get things done, I’m productive, nothing gets me down. For example, this has been a good week. Around “that time of the month” I’m horrible. I sleep ALL the time, I’m miserable & everything & everyone around me suffers for 10-14 days out of almost every month. Nothing gets done, I have to make myself get up & do the things that absolutely cannot wait. I’m thinking it’s PMDD. My mom suffered for years with it. And to further excaberate things I have chronic depression. So I know exactly where you’re coming from.

    • Oh Noelle, that really blows. My therapist mentioned to me that very small SSRI doses taken just on the bad days can help PMDD sufferers. Obviously, it isn’t a magic bullet and might not be the right solution for you. I have had some bad luck with SSRIs myself. But I just thought I’d put it out there….Sending hugs.

  2. So sorry, that you struggle like this. It’s our curse to live in such countries, winter is the most depression season of them all! It feels as if it never ends, then you see buds on trees, flowers, the winter smell air going away. Please try and go to a doctor, if you have an health issue, it’s easier to prevent than to treat, and to go and find out that you have nothing.

    Well winter is almost over, at least here it is, hope it’s going to be done there as well.

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