A Horror Story

Friends, I cannot sugar coat this. Just need to come out and say it. C took a dump on my pillow this evening.

While I’m sure he was just looking for a soft place for his shit to land, I can’t help but take it a little personally.

C spends much of his time naked from the waist down these days. We are potty training. Or he is potty training. He doesn’t really want Z and me involved. He pees on the floor. Panics. Cries. Runs to the bathroom. When he is wearing a pull up he pees. Shouts, “I poop! I poop!” while standing there bow-legged. Cries. Takes off his pants and pull ups and runs to the bathroom. We have hardwood floors throughout the entire house. Peeing on them isn’t a huge deal to clean up. It is part of potty training. We are cool with it.

Bottom line: progress is being made. He has only actually peed on the pot a handful of times, but he willingly goes to the bathroom himself about a dozen times a day. He sits there. Shouts, “I peed!” Wipes his balls with a square of toilet paper (yeah, not sure what that is about). Flushes the toilet. Except for the fact that we are wasting a horrifying amount of water, and he is completely delusional about actually peeing, things are going well.

Cut to tonight. The fam got home from a stroll to our friends’ house to drop off a food container. C ran inside. I started weeding. T and Z collected helicopter seeds from our maple tree into Z’s hat and took turns climbing into the treehouse and throwing them on each other’s heads.

C really likes to do his own thing. T ran towards the house and told us C was watching TV. Not ideal while the rest of us were enjoying being outside, but whatever.

And here is why you never “whatever” when a two and a half year old is involved. We came inside and the TV was off. C wasn’t on the first floor. Ominously his pull up and pants were on the floor of the downstairs bathroom. We headed upstairs as C sauntered out of Z and my bedroom. “I pooped!” he crowed.

Being he confuses poop and pee on the regular I wasn’t alarmed. Just annoyed that I’d be cleaning pee in my bedroom. Z was ahead of me and I heard, “Oh man. Charlie! Oh no.” I picked up the pace. Two turds. Two. Glistening on my pillowcase. C with some unnecessary bravado, “I pooped!”

After bathing the boys I noticed some shit on my pants and on my hands. Still not sure where and when the point of transfer was. Just washed my hands throughly, threw the jeans in the washing machine, and felt thoroughly defeated by life. And by poop.

photo (35)

This is the face of a woman who has spent too much time cleaning poop.

tiny hiney

Moments later he peed all over the porch.

happy t

One of his teachers sent this to Z. He was proud of the magnet bundle he made. I’m proud because he didn’t poop on any of my belongings today.



10 thoughts on “A Horror Story

  1. this made me laugh – actually, giggle right out loud. mostly because i feel your pain, having gone through it with my boys. i was lucky…my oldest was a little late, but trained in one day. my middle, two days and my youngest, that was just a blur, but it happened fairly quickly, without any major mishaps like you have just lived through. mine were naked all the time (sadly, they still spend an abundance of their time this way). i have plenty of bare bum pictures, peeing off the deck. they still prefer this method of relieving themselves…i don’t often argue because it beats cleaning pee off the floor, wall, seat….wherever.
    boys are just gross. disgusting little creatures. i enjoyed the little peek into your evening though, takes me back. does yours lick things? my four year old (charlie as well) regularly licks the dirt off the side of the car. says he likes it.
    like i said…gross.

    • Oh dear. Neither of my guys lick the side of the car. But they both love to put metal in their mouths. My oldest is same age as your Charlie and he will suck on the end of a hammer if he gets his hands on one!

      Boys are filthy. When I was potty training my oldest a friend was over and used my bathroom and said it didn’t smell like pee. I could have kissed her.

  2. This was too funny! I can’t add anything, except maybe a little commiseration. I’ve been there sister! Well, OK, maybe not exactly ‘there’, on a pillow, but we had our share of territory markings. Hope you got a nice relaxing something for the rest of the night.

  3. Karen-

    All I will say here (because I tend to be intensely internet private about my kiddo) is that GIRL YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THE STORIES I COULD TELL YOU.

    Email me. I am happy to share stories that will make this seem like a cake walk and contextually normalize things for you 🙂

    You are doing a great job. Like I always say: if they are doing this at 16, then we should freak out.


    • Yes, and thankfully 16 is off in the far distance. Not worried about his behavior developmentally. Just tired of touching his poo. But fb message me stories! I love to laugh at the bizarre things these little people do. Hope you are well, lady. Sending hugs.

  4. You are such a good writer, this is hilarious (because it’s so true; I would take that shit personal, literally). I am also potty training my boy right now and just can’t believe no one has contracted pink eye yet…

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